Of course for best results please read from the last entry forward to the most current one.
30 Sep 14


Almost bedtime but at least it’s not a half dozen today. Skipping the intro, on to the next track.
30. Where did it go wrong.
Failed dynamic
Failed relationship
Failed career
Failed friendship
Failed party
Failed dessert
It happens. Things do go quite as we hope.
That’s a part of life.
How do you handle the failure though.
What came from the experience.
Are you continuing to live your life focused on that failed time or event.
What, if anything positive came from that part of your life.
"Would you like me to give you the formula for success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that?s where you’ll find success."
Thomas J. Watson
Thank you for this, friday!
When I saw the first little bit of the post in the group’s feed, I figured it’d be about why I failed. What i learned is also important.
So many times when I fail, I do focus on that failed time or event. I beat myself up. If not me, the internal voices. Then I often join in.
I’m still learning to stop and think about why I did it and how not to let it happen again in stead of just THAT I did it and knew better (or was just supposed to.)
Hard in this lifestyle that runs counter to pretty much everything I’ve learned up to this point in my life.
Lots of inspiration. And even then, when I get in a certain mood it does no good.
Guess I have to figure out how to make more of that inspiration internal to drown out the old inner voice. If anyone has any pointers, I thank you.
30.1 Success.
You did it!
You made it!
You kicked ass at whatever it was!
When was the last time you said, “I’m just that Damned good!”
I got this licked.
Don’t really remember. I don’t usually have that much confidence. To know that I’m just that damned good.
I did thrash my car a bit while driving today. Not really confidence, just driving a bit harder than I have driven the car. Which I typically tend to baby for fear that I’ll kill it.
Did I mention that it’s a stick? So, yeah, there’s that…

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29 Sep 14


24. How do you know you’re in the lifestyle?
Not interested in, not looking into but IN the lifestyle?
Especially outside of a dynamic.
Additionally, what are some things you can tell people who find out when you want them to know why you do what you do when you can’t really find the words but don’t want to tell them to fuck off?
Or, when the topic comes up. Say, when a Fifty Shades commercial comes on?
Interesting question. But, I’m the one who asked it. I wanted an answer. I don’t have one.
I’m gonna cheat and not answer. Instead solicit input in the comments.
24.1. Off the grid.
Since you have been aware of this submissive nature within yourself.
Have you had to seek out information and resources..
Without the internet……
If you did not have internet kink sites, what would your journey be like.
Do you think in a way that online information can be hurtful to you exploring your submission.
Could you go a month without any online kink interaction?
No. I doubt I can go a day.
Online kink interaction is pretty much all I got. And it’s not even any online fantasy chat or anything, just talking to kink family out of my area.
If I didn’t have the internet, I probably wouldn’t have found out about my submissive side or my kink side. I’d probably still be trying to find a “normal” relationship like the kind we’re sold in various media.
I know. It unsettles me, too.
25. Cathartic.
Can BDSM play be cathartic.
Can you achieve an emotional level when you play.
Are there specific things you need to make this happen.
Have you ever played with someone and just out of the blue it went really into your emotional side.
I don’t think I’ve ever reached sub space but I do get enjoyment from play. I’m still learning about different types of play and what I like and therefore what I need and what i need to do.
How to keep my mind from wandering, for example.
I don’t know that It’s gone really deep into my emotional side yet. I am interested in it, though.
26. Is it submission or is it abuse of the power we give the dominant.
Is it possible for a submissive to miss the signs of abuse in their dynamic.
We totter on the edge with physical discipline and mental control.
When is it too far.
How do we recognize for ourselves that it is not healthy.
Where does a submissive go to to talk about what is happening and get the unique help they need?
Is it possible for a sub to miss the signs of abuse in their dynamic? All to possible! Frighteningly so! And the line is thin! And blurry! We go so far past what would be considered safe as common practice. I’ve come to agree with the sentiment that “safe, sane and consensual” doesn’t exist as what we do is rarely safe, if ever. That “risk aware consensual kink” is more realistic. When is it too far? How do we recognize for ourselves that it is not healthy? It’s almost impossible to see on the inside of it with emotions clouding our judgement. Which is why having a group of our peers like the Submissive Safe Haven is such a virtue, a blessing, even. We need someone knowledgeable in the signs of abuse as well as in the lifestyle to check in with and see through our own blinders to warn us about the danger we’re in. To educate each other to take things slowly to try and avoid these situations before they start where we can?
Where do we go to talk about what is happening and to get help?
I do not know. I know it has to be someone in the lifestyle, so we can talk without danger of outing and talk with someone knowledgeable of what’s happening. And someone unbiased so they don’t take sides, either siding with the abuser to discredit the victim or to wrongly accuse someone. Yes, this does happen. Just saying.
But more specific resources I do not know of.
27. Do you have a mental health professional or medical doctor that is aware of and can treat BDSM related issues.
How did you discuss the lifestyle with your physician.
Do you alter you play activities in preparation for an appointment.
Are you aware of the effects your prescribed medication has on your ability to handle certain play?
I see a mental health professional on a somewhat regular basis. I question how effective the overall care is at times. And that could be how forthcoming and honest and concise I am. But she does know about my kink side and doesn’t condemn it. Which is surprising considering that my aunt the ordained minister who instills the fear of God in me recommended her by name. I haven’t discussed it with too many other people there so no one I see for more physical health concerns is aware to my knowledge.
Do I alter my play to prepare for an appointment? Nah. I play so little, I don’t even worry about it. And I’m a weirdo who doesn’t take any prescription medication outside of a tetanus shot, so I don’t worry about how that affects play.
28. Balance.
Work. Family. Kink.
Does it ever seem like too much trouble to keep the balancing act going.
Many of us live a separate kink life. Lots of misdirection and such when it comes to our lives outside of kink.
BDSM is a drug for some. They go deeper and deeper down that rabbit hole. When you’re very new it is easy to lose touch with your reality outside of kink.
How do you keep yourself from sliding down too far.
How do you make sure that the normal things in your life are just as treasured as going to a play party or event.
Normal life outside of kink should be just as enticing as bdsm.
How do you keep yourself grounded.
Grounded? I don’t know.
I don’t know that I do “lots of misdirection and such.” I pretty much use the Vegas stature. You know, what happens in Vegas. Over the weekend.
It is rough when you really want to talk about something and have no one that will get it and not flip, though.
Sliding down too far? I don’t know that I get to slide very far at all right now. I do have little going on outside of the lifestyle, but that was the case before, anyway. Work, video games, errands an outing here and there. Movies, the park, that sort of thing.
I suppose I shall learn more about balance as I continue in the lifestyle.
29. What is the biggest thing going on in your life.
Personal. Professional. Lifestyle.
What part is your responsibility or under your control.
Biggest thing right now? Cah shopping. Decided to stop moping about losing the range that the old car had and being stuck with this imminent being stranded on the road and take matters into my own hands.
Trying to keep positive and optimistic when it doesn’t seem fruitful or even possible.
Personally, Professionally, Lifestyle. Well, professionally, work is work. Kinda slow. Still working, though. There’s that. Trying to figure out relocation. Keeping in touch with kink family. Mostly outside of my area. Trying to see them more often.
Which part is my irresponsibility or under my control?
The million dollar question! I perhaps blame myself for too much. Not taking into consideration learning curves and such.
Monday Morning.
For many of us we spent the weekend involved in kink activities.
Now it’s Monday.
What do you want right now.
What do you need right now.
What things were left unfinished during the weekend.
What were missed opportunities that you regret from this weekend.
Another timely question. Except that there’s only an hour and a half left in Monday.
I still don’t know that I trust my own view of my wants versus my needs.
I trust way too little about myself.
Which goes into my regrets. I kept myself segregated not wanting to get in the way and missed way too much. Wont’ go into details but that’s my main regret. That and just assuming that I was unwanted in stead of asking if I could join in. Finding people to be with.
I had reasons, though I don’t know how good they were.
I’ve been going over them in my head. I don’t want to miss the lessons from this weekend and I don’t want to miss that much again. Especially because of needlessly self inflicted torture.
What do I want right now? To not be alone. To know that I’m welcomed. To be touched. Held. Reassured. Fucked. Bound. Suspended. Bitten. Fondled. Groped. And then some. I want to get out and be with the people I miss, that I don’t get to see nearly enough.
To not feel trapped. Doomed. To not feel guilty. Not feel powerless. Hopeless.
To feel free to do something, even the wrong thing.
To get over this brick wall I feel like I keep hitting. I want to see where I’ve grown and know that it’s been good. And worth it. More often than I feel that I’ve wasted it all.
And I need to be asleep like an hour and change ago, but I’m caught up in time to not let the last entry be another massive game of catch up.
Small victories…

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28 Sep 14


I don’t feel like addressing the backlog tonight.
I’m thinking over my weekend. Lots of good feelings. Lots of bad. Apologies owed. Perhaps some that I think are owed that aren’t.
Lessons learned, if I don’t forget them.
I got up early Saturday morning, as usual. Fecking internal clock on day shift. Anyhow, my brain was working as usual.
And I came up with some stuff that I didn’t want to forget.
Figured I’d share.
Often when I’ve come to a place where I can’t get past, I find myself retracing my steps. I’ve done this quite a bit over this issue of sexuality v. religion (I no longer refer to it as sexuality v. spirituality because I’ve come to realize spiritually is not the issue. ) And my latest session has produced the following revelation:
The top three things I’ve gotten from church.
3.) A closer relationship with God. This is what it is all about. The basis of attending church in the first place. I’ve heard it said that if this one thing isn’t everything, then it’s nothing.
So why is it dead last in the rankings? Not because it holds that much less importance, but I have so much less of that relationship. I feel like it’s the one thing I didn’t get from going to church all this time.
So, what WERE my lovely parting gifts?
2.) “Because I SAID so!” I went because I was told to. I gave because I was told to. I served because I was told to.
I’ve heard preachers tell of folk brought to church because of drug problems.
Their momma (and daddy, sometimes) drug them to church.
Steve Harvey talked about his momma taking him to church all the time. And all the time wasn’t just every Sunday. Well, not only that, my mom didn’t just take us to our church.
The ramifications of this being that I learned early on that not everyone does church the same way, not even in the same denomination. And then, it was somewhere ‘round my teenage years that I learned that every church ain’t as on fire fo’ the Lawd, they jus’ sleep over there. So, where you went to church mattered, not just THAT you went.
Then, I became a (legal) adult. And I was sent to the Air Force. And I attended church during basic. Even got baptized again. It was a stressful time. I got to tech school and didn’t go after the first week. Just got lazy and didn’t go. For the first time in my life, I did not regularly attend church. I went again a couple years or so later. Sang on the choir again. Got out. Came home. Attended until I got a job where every other Sunday I’d work twelve hours Saturday night, then go back in twelve hours Sunday night. And I stopped going even on weekends I didn’t work. Met somebody at that job who invited me to their church and I went there as work allowed until they closed.
Then came the day when my aunt, who still instills the fear of God in me to this day, told me, “It’s fifty two Sundays in a year. You better be in church every one of ‘em, ‘cause you won’t raised like that!”
"Because I said so!" Which led me to THAT church. The one I trace the grand majority of my stress to.
I still can’t bring myself to say that it’s a bad church. I just don’t want to go there anymore. I don’t want to believe as they do. Not all of it.
But, I can’t see where I’m really doing better without them, at least when someone asks me why I’m not attending any church. I can’t bring myself to tell someone that I’m going to Hell because of sex. Even if it’s not just about sex or even about going to Hell. They (that church) didn’t actually bring that up. They spoke of confession and accountability and keeping your thoughts pure but they didn’t use the threat of going to Hell as a whip to keep you in line.
They didn’t really have to.
Even when no one was glaring me in the eye telling me to, the internal voice was there just like they were.
"Train up a child in the way you would have them to go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
And, the number one thing I got from going to church was:




Social interaction.
Seeing people I wanted to see on a regular basis.
I’ve only had but so many social outlets and one of the more regular ones has been church. I do like seeing those people, especially after a week of either being lonely at home or lonely in a crowd at work.
I still like seeing them. I love those people. That’s what I’ve gotten out going to church much more than a right relationship with God. That relationship and what it’s supposed to be still just goes over my head. Them, I see. I talk to. I do things with. Not just sitting in church for an hour or two a week. Going out to eat after. Going to the movies. Helping out here and there.
I love that. I love those people.
But, THAT church added confession and accountability and keeping your thoughts pure to the mix and I can’t see them without being asked, even if just internally, “So, how are you doing with God?”
Sent from my iPhone. Thank you, new keyboard.
So, how am I doing with God?
Now that I’m not being faced down by someone who’ll scrutinize my answer, judge my missteps and try to lead me back into the fold? Well, every time something goes wrong I’m sure it’s the beginning of having everything stripped away from me so God can get my attention. Sure each day at work will be my last, each trip in my car will be its last, each time with friends will be the time that I do something that alienates me from them. That everything I do in my life that brings pleasure is an act of rebellion that I have to sneak and do lest I alienate coworkers and draw criticism and chastisement from biological family. That this “lifestyle” is just a phase and I need to grow up and go back to church. That my friends aren’t real friends if they don’t go to church and don’t lead me to do the right thing, and they’ll leave me when they get tired of me. And it’s obvious that all this is hanging by a thread that I need to let go of and do what I know I ought to.
And that relationship I mentioned at number three?
It’s complicated.
And you complicated it.
I don’t remember it being so damned complicated before.
I do blame you, but I don’t think you did it out of spite. You tried to help. It just didn’t. Which is why I haven’t been back to your group or your church. And why I want to move out of your town. Get some distance, change the scenery, shut out the old voices in my head.
Build my relationship with God anew taking into consideration who I’m finding that I am, not who you say I should be. Not who you say the bible says I should be. Not who my family expects me to be when I grow up.
Who I’m learning that I am. I crumble when I can’t be that, but I stand tall when I grow into that.
That’s where I find my joy.
And I think God is here teaching me, too.
When I feel like standing…

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23 Sep 14


I kinda wanna expand on yesterday’s. I didn’t actually ANSWER that last question, did i?
Well, I don’t know of any goals that I can undertake that I KNOW can be accomplished this week. There are four major ones on my mind right now.
i. Get a loan for a car.
ii. Find another job.
iii. Relocate.
iv. Find a regular play partner/relationship.
iv, I’ve tried to stop stressing over so much. Really, I have (Hepburn style.) I’ve come to learn the value of just hanging out and getting to know people and letting connections develop organically from there.
Still rough sitting at home alone, though.
iii and ii have taken to the back burner for the present. As I said earlier, I don’t know a bunch about relocating. Do I find another place first or another job? I’ll need the job to be able to afford the place. But, I don’t want the place too far from the job. And I still don’t know what’s available and what I can do. The last few days at my current job have been rough with the tedium. I want to try and connect with some temp services to maybe build up my “professional network,” as it were. Maybe talk to the state employment service. Maybe a realtor or two.
i is the big thing at the moment, though. My therapist suggested that I try to get a loan for a car and get a good, dependable vehicle. And I don’t see that as a bad idea. I know my credit’s crap, though, so that’s a hindrance, but I went in to ask anyway.
Seems my crap credit’s been flushed.
I currently have no credit history.
My credit union won’t help me. One car lot needs a co-signer. Which I’m trying to avoid. I’m hoping to find something for a few thousand where they’ll let me build my credit as I pay off the car. And not get screwed too badly. And I have this thing where if I spend more than a few hundred to just get a little something to get from point a to b, I’m less willing to compromise on what I want. And a loan is officially well into no compromise terit’ry.
Four cylinder, small, hatchback if I can get it, automatic transmission with a manual shift mode if I can get it, good MPG, enough power to get me in trouble.
Moonroof would be real nice. Auxiliary input/USB jack/Bluetooth on the stereo (which can be changed out to accommodate, so not the biggest thing.)
And she has to connect with me. She has to make me feel something.
23. What kind of sub are you?
I think I’m a chicken Parmesan sub…
Are there terms used to describe different roles or dynamics that you don’t like.
What type of path do you follow in submission.
Chicken Parmesan? That’s deep…
I ‘on e’en know where to go from there…
Also, Parmesan is capitalized? I did not know that.
I’m sensual, not masochistic. Cuddle slut. Possibly an omega kitten primal. Possibly heteroflexible. That’s what I know/think at present.
Are there terms used to describe different roles or dynamics that I don’t like? I don’t know. Only know so many. Give me a bit.
What type of path do I follow? I follow one?
Do I look (no, Joker’s creepy. Still, AWESOME LINE!)
23.1. Want Ad? Giant Billboard?
Have you ever posted in a singles group on fet or other BDSM site?
If you are searching for a partner/dominant, what are you doing to make that happen.
Does your profile represent you and accurately describe what you seek.
I don’t know that I’ve ever posted in a singles group per se. I’ve posted in different groups of different interests but haven’t really gotten any bites.
What am I doing to make it happen. I addressed it yesterday. Pretty much wishing. I am trying to better myself, that’s a process. And I’ve been getting more comfortable as I get out to meet people but that’s a process as well.
Does my profile represent me and accurately describe what I’m looking for? Good question! I haven’t even really looked at it in a bit. I should go check..

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22 Sep 14


Well, didn’t take long for that to lapse. And here we are, after nine o’clock again. Does not bode well for a good night’s sleep.
Well, here we go with catching up.
19. What are your guilty pleasures?
I don’t know of many I have at present. I remember liking some pop songs. A bit of B’witched, Christina Aguilera, N’Sync, Spice Girls, 98 Degrees. I watched a bunch of the online show called Tuned Out, about a radio station. It wasn’t really funny, it was stupid downright silly at times but I couldn’t stop watching. Also, they filmed an episode at MystiCon.
Can’t think of anything I’m into right now that I’d term a guilty pleasure. Except a little junk food every now again. You gotta have a couple cheezys and a bowl at least once a year.
(For the uninitiated, that’s two hamburgers, about the size of a quarter pounder with cheese, with yellow relish and fried eggs, and a bowl of chili from Texas Inn. And not the new one out at Cornerstone, it’s gotta be from the original one downtown!)
20. What is service.
A lot of different people will discuss different types of service in the lifestyle.
Service tops.
Service submissives.
What does service look like.
What other types of service are there.
Write down three thoughts about service.
Thought 1: Need.
Thought 2: More.
Thought 3: Information.
Don’t know much at all about service as it relates to BDSM and the concept quickly goes over my head.
20.1 Would you relocate to pursue a dynamic.
What do you do to meet possible partners.
Do you reach out to people of interest to you.
How has that gone if you did.
I think I’ve already expressed that I pretty nuch HAVE to move to find a dynamic. At least the way I see it. People here are either vanilla and churchy or, even if they are kinky, monogamous as a default and the women are all submissive and want a master/daddy/dom and the men don’t do it for me and I doubt I do it for them. What do I do to meet possible partners? Wish and hope, pretty much. Do I reach out to people of interest to me? Too scared. And that’s IF I find someone of interest. How has it gone if I did? Not well. Silence if I’m lucky, hurt feelings otherwise. And some of that even from silence.
It’s been enough to make me wonder if I even belong here truly, if I am really wanted. Sure, I’ll get a couple people to answer the latter question in the affirmative, but it can be small consolation on lonely Lynchburg nights, days, weeks, months.
Where AM I really supposed to be?
21. Outing.
Are you afraid of having your family or coworkers find out you are involved in bdsm.
What measures do you take to protect your vanilla life if it is a concern.
Have you accidentally exposed this side to someone you did not want to know.
Hells YEAH-YUS, I’m afraid of outing.
I’d have a stern lecture/sermon coming from (bio) family if they found out. A couple cousins would maybe be cool about it, though. Coworkers would likely shun me. I’ve heard a couple of them voice disgust for the idea of BDSM.
Wonder what will happen when Fifty Shades commercials start.
What measures do I take to protect my vanilla life? I try to keep my mouth shut. And those of you who know me know how hard that is for me. Kinda helps that most of my dirt I do out of town anyway. I keep it off Facebook and that helps.
Have I accidentally exposed this side to someone I didn’t want to know? Not yet, praise the Lert.
21.1. Are there things you’ve experienced in the lifestyle that have helped you deal with negatives from your past.
Are you a better person because of BDSM.
I don’t know, truly. On the second point. I feel like it sometimes. Until I come back home and get around people who have a different view of right and wrong.
Are there things that I’ve experienced that have helped me deal with the negatives of my past? I can’t put my finger on one thing. Mainly love and acceptance, which has helped bunches.
Until I get home, again.
22. Since it’s Monday, I thought it would be a good time to set personal goals for just the next five days.
Five day isn’t scary or overwhelming.
So, what will your goals be for this week.
Diet. Exercise. Reading. Cleaning.
Organizing. Shopping. Emails or other needed communications.
Just a few areas that you can document a goal for this week.
Here’s a side benefit to writing these goals somewhere.
At the end of five days you can see what you accomplished and what got sidelined.
If you can’t attain a goal, assess why you didn’t.
Be honest. Most of the time, it isn’t your fault.
I’m no good at incremental improvement. I always shift focus to the big picture and beat myself up when it isn’t all done. Wasn’t done years ago. Why it wasn’t done. How it was supposed to be done. How I should know better.
Even making little goals, I hear the internal scolding that it’s not big enough. I’m lazy.
That’s why I don’t attain a lot of goals. My fault? Maybe…

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18 Sep 14


I’m in a good mood.
Better than I thought I’d be.
I laid my friend to rest. Helped carry him to his grave. I sat through the service, wanting it over. Not because I didn’t love him and miss him. But, because I didn’t want to be around all that sadness and grief. But, the pastors and his friends and family did their part to remember the good times and how good a person he was. How rarely he was in a bad mood. How much he helped others.
Which brought me back to myself.
I always see myself as defeated. Downtrodden. Needy. I’d like to help but I don’t see what I have to give.
Well, Brian wasn’t rich, but he gave what he had that would help.
And I’m starting to see how my perception of myself is cloudy. I have more to offer than I’ve been led to believe. Especially when I listen to the ones who look for that instead of for my shortcomings. And when I don’t look for those shortcomings, just go in and do what I can…
Not that I want to just up and be happy all the time just ‘cause. I saw something somewhere were the write said that they didn’t want to smile all the time but wanted to feel the full spectrum of emotions. And I like that idea and want the same. I just don’t want to be so trapped in sorrow and guilt and bring everyone down.
Don’t think medication is the answer, either. At least not conventional prescriptions.
But, I’m in a much better mood than I thought I’d be in tonight. I got to remember good times with my friend. Hearing about how he’d put mustard on his dog at three because he wanted a hot dog. Hearing about how he’d been wrestling with a friend and the whole house shook (and everyone who knew him knew who the friend was and looked that way.) Sharing the pun he told me about never shopping at a dollar store because it was a sin to commit A Dollar Tree!
Gonna miss you, man! I love you!
Don’t know how to smoothly transition but I wanted to share that.
17. Timeout.
Have you ever taken or considered taking a timeout from the lifestyle.
Step away from the BDSM world and explore relationships with “vanilla” partners and friendships.
Why would you want to take a break.
What would it look like?
I feel like I’m still trying to make my way INTO the lifestyle. Find regular play partners and kinky people to hang with. Feeling trapped outside of the kinky people I want to be with.
When I’ve thought of leaving it, I’ve thought to do so for good, and not because I want to but out of guilt. Or feeling that it was out of reach when I couldn’t find someone a relationship.
I’m thankful for those I’ve gotten to meet that have made me feel welcome despite that.
18. “It is very easy to forgive others for their mistakes; it takes more grit to forgive them for having witnessed your own.” ~Jessamyn West.
Nobody is perfect.
Not us. Not the dominants of the world.
We are human.
How do you handle it when you make a mistake.
What do you do if it impacts others.
How would you handle it if a dominant made a mistake.
Would you ignore it?
I pretty much have the same reaction as I do to conflict:
Deer in headlights/flee. Or rather, bow my head in shame, then flee. And it’s worse if it impacts others. Then, fleeing can become avoidance.
The mental restraining order. I’ve made it too much of a habit to beat myself up for my mistakes.
How would I react if I a dominant made a mistake? Probably play it off. Perhaps act as it were my mistake if it applied, probably if it didn’t.
18.1 “The rule is: we cannot really forgive ourselves unless we look at the failure in our past and call it by its right name.”
~Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive and Forget:Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve
What things in your past have you truly forgiven yourself for doing.
Are there still things lingering that you need to look at and forgive yourself for.
Have you forgiven others for a part they played in hurting you.
An intriguing thought.
I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself for much. As mentioned before, lots that I still beat myself up for. And I blame other for that, which sounds like I need to forgive them.
The question is how.
Forgiveness, at least right at this moment, seems like an abstract concept that I should know but don’t. But, I feel like if I figure it out and apply it, it will heal a lot of deep wounds. It has to happen…

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18 Sep 14


12 continued. A timeline forecasting my future.
I think I shall pass.
I don’t know what I want in my future. Granted, I feel I have little control over my future. Present, even. I’m still figuring out what I want and trying to give myself permission to want it, let alone faith that I could actually GET it. Which goes along with the permission to want it. And part of me doesn’t like to have things spoiled and is still optimistic and awaits good things like a kid at Christmas.
11.1. Which I had skipped/overlooked.
Emotional, situational or physical.
How do you deal with them.
Do you recognize and have a plan for them.
Have you been blindsided by a new trigger that pops up.
How do I deal? I kinda shut down, I think, pretty much the same as with most confrontation. I try to ignore it to differing degrees of success. Not always possible, though, at least not that I see in the moment.
Do I recognize them? Some. Church has become a big one. Politics, especially politics as religion, is another. Insults, degredation. The feeling of helplessness. The plan for them? Again, avoid if possible, deer in headlights is not.
Don’t know how many new triggers I’ve been blindsided by.
13. Inspiration.
What profile or writings have you come across on FetLife that have given you a “lightbulb” moment.
Go out there on the big wide world of web and read something.
Google D/s dynamics or submission.
What kind of information is there out there for the new submissive starting their journey.
I don’t feel like Googling D/s dynamics or submission. So, nyah!
I will point out a few recent posts that I’ve loved. 93under’s post about how munches aren’t for everyone made me look at it in a wah I hadn’t before._ORANGE’s post On O/p was lovely. As well as Snoflak’s New here and I want a D/s relationship NOW! And NookieNote’s Have you Ever Wanted A Nookie? has added a new item to my bucket list. And TheFerret is always inspirational and enlightening.
I don’t know what I’d recommend to new submissives. All of the above listed could be considered recommended reading.
I want to amass a Read This, Not That for Fifty Shades for everyone that’s gonna bring in.
14. Rent-a-Dom.
If you could place an order today and rent a dominant for a specific purpose - not necessarily a long term thing.
Rent them for a week, a weekend, or a night…
What description of services/qualities would you specify.
Do you ever need a dedicated dominant to assist you with some task.
Again, pass.
I don’t rent, I’d rather own. Or, in the case of a dominant, be owned. I don’t think I’d wanna order a random stranger. I want a deeper connection, I think.
14.1. I like to give you all options.
Scene name.
Do you prefer to be called by your scene name or part of it at a kink event.
What does your scene name mean to you.
Did you pick it.
Have you changed you scene name since you started.
Why did it change.
Do you introduce yourself with your real first name.
If not, what fears do we have about people knowing our real name?
I prefer my scene name over my real name. My real name is boring. It’s too damned common. I have a super common first name and a super common last name that’s also a super common first name.
Did I mention what while I was doing a background check for my apartment, they pulled up charges for possession of cocaine and heroin? About three hours north from where I live? That actually belonged to a guy with not only my first and last name (different middle) but my same birthday (few years older?) And there was someone else with my first and last name that’d done something.
I Googled my first and last name and got so many hits but not my own until I added my middle name.
What does my scene name mean to me?
atypical. I’m the weird one. It celebrates that.
adourae. It reminds me that I am adorable, attractive and desired despite what I’ve been told.
avery. For the balance/struggle with sexuality and faith and against religion.
Did I pick it? Yes, although I got help.
Have I changed it? Yes. I started out with just an altered version of my childhood nickname. Someone abbreviated it but mispronounced it so I shortened it and spelled it phonetically. Someone abbreviated it in LF chat and it was my childhood nickname. Right after I’d moved out of my aunt’s house and I didn’t want to be reminded of bio family and being treated like a kid so it was time to switch again. I’d had avery in my head for a bit and the chat helped with the rest.
Do I introduce myself with my real name? I’ve been doing both, one after the other.
What fear do I have of people knowing my real name? Not much unless I think it’ll get back to family or other people I don’t want to know.
15. Keeping it light for a Monday.
What misinformation have you come across regarding the D/s dymamic.
About being a submissive?
That the man is ALWAYS the dom and gets ALL TEH SECKS!
That the woman is sub and shuts teh fuck up and does what the dom wants.
That it’s SUPPOSED to hurt and you will love it or you’re not a twoo submissive!
This can get heavy with sarcasm really quick.
16. “Distance means nothing when someone means everything.” - Unknown.
Option 1:
Have you been in a long distance M\s or D\s relationship.
What systems were set up to make it work.
How often did you get to see each other in person.
There are obvious hardships to long distance, what are some of the unexpected ones that came up.
Was the long distance relationship always one or did a partner move away.
Option 2:
Would you consider a long distance relationship?
What appeals to you about this type of dynamic.
Would you intentionally set out to start one of this type.
What would you need to have in place to make it work.
If you became involved in a dynamic and your partner had to move, would you try to sustain the dynamic or part ways.
I’ve never really been in a long distance relationship. I’ve talked to people online that I connected with but it never got as far as that.
Would I consider it? Would I intentionally set out to start this type of dynamic? I wouldn’t want to. Internet relationships have left me wanting someone I can hold! Someone I can go visit without reserving airfare.
What would appeal to me about this type of dynamic? Giving up on finding anyone I could connect with here but not being able to move yet.
What would I need to have in place to make it work? Reassurance that I’m not forgotten. Lots of communication. Written. Spoken. Video chat. Visits with every opportunity.
If I became involved in a dynamic and my partner (or I) had to move, would I try to sustain the dynamic? As long as we could.
And I’m once again caught up.
Wonder if we were supposed to do them all? Fuck it, I liked the inspiration and I await the next…

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18 Sep 14


I figure this is gonna be a long one so I’ll try not to waste too many words.
12. Your timeline.
Create a timeline that reflects all the major life events as far back as you can remember.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
These events are a part of who you have become and influences your current path.
Create a lifestyle timeline that reflects all the events and people that have molded your current path of “submission.” These are all interactions that mold us.
Create a timeline forecasting your future.
What events do you want to see on that timeline.
Personal. Professional. Educational. Lifestyle.
I’ve been looking forward to doing this one. I figure it’s a gonna be long, though, so it may end up being its own entry. Also, some entries won’t have exact dates. But, they’ll still be important enough to include.
I’ll try not to leave too much out.
*5 May 1975 Born in Virginia Baptist Hospital
*Somewhere in there, I started the diet of media that would shape who I am. It was not just the typical What’s Happenin’, Sanford and Son, Good Times, Fat Albert, but the Greatest American Hero, Superfriends, Andy Griffith and The Dukes of Hazzard got into the mix and started making it eclectic. This was to be followed eventually by Final Fantasy, Street Fighter, Silver Hawks (used to wear one sleeve up at one point because they were metal but had one fleshy arm) and eventually LIllith Fair, the first two Guy Richie flicks (the good ones,) XFM, BBC America, and many others.
Basically, not just black stuff.
*November, 1981 Was hit by a car on my way to my great grandmother Emma’s for treats while waiting on the bus. Broke my leg, was in the hospital for over a month and three different casts. Still have the scar from where they stuck the pins in to hold my legs up. One of the physical scars I have from child hood. The most prominent.

  • September 1983 - Got baptized at Scott Zion Baptist Church. The first time I got baptized. At the time I saw it as a rite of passage of sorts. When I look back, I refer to it as a cattle drive. I don’t really think got anything out of it but wet and a free bible. I do remember going to quite a bit of church as a child. And not just at my own church. We would visit several as my mom would get invited by friends to other churches in the area where her coworkers attended, or where a choir was asked to sing, or something of the like. And somewhere in this period I first got the idea that not all churches were equal and some were just showing up and going through the motions.

September 1989-June 1993 - High School. Wasn’t a popular kid. Got picked on from middle school on. Made some acquaintances. No game with girls. Talked to a few here and there. Never anything further. Went to junior prom with my cousin, senior solo. Got a lecture from my cousin about how annoying I was to her friends. Made a fool of myself with one girl I liked who didn’t like me back.
*August 16, 1993 - Entered the United States Air Force at the urging of my mom. I never really studied in school. Ended up with a 3.2 GPA still, but she wasn’t gonna pay for me to flunk out of college, she was going to send me to the army to let Uncle Sam pay for my college.
I still have to thank my brother for changing that to the Air Force. That was bad enough. I’m not one for rules. My vision knocked me out of a bunch of jobs, so I had maybe three options. And then I opted out of the GI bill and the security clearance I needed for the job I’d singed up for because I wanted out. Ended up staying a few years but got in trouble and couldn’t re enlist.
Still managed an honorable discharge, though. For that, I’m thankful.
Haven’t come up with what to do with myself since, though. Just a floating from job to job. So much for the military giving me direction. Bit of discipline, maybe, but didn’t straighten me out.
Other landmarks from this time period include baptism number two and my first two tattoos, the first four months after I enlisted in Biloxi, MS and the second a year later in Montgomery, AL.
January 2000 - Lost my virginity to someone I’d met at work. The relationship lasted three months. I was a rebound. She got tired of me. And I was not without blame.
August 2000 - Moved into my own place. Had lived with the girl while I was with her, and it was a rough transition moving back in with my mom. I figured it was time I had my own place.
August 2001 - Moved a girl in who became my second girlfriend.
I got tired of her.
She stayed home most of the time. Didn’t want to keep a job. I lost the one I had when I met her and had trouble keeping bills paid on my own as a dishwasher. She left me in early 2002 with a huge phone bill and a car that died not long after.
She was also pretty much my first exposure to the lifestyle.
August 2004 - Moved out of my apartment. Into the house my aunt owned that she rented out. My mom moved out next door to my Granny’s old house, I moved in the trailer with my brother, who moved to Texas not long after.
January 2010 - First time I attended the church that I still bear the scars from. Started with the men’s group maybe a month or two later. Pretty much knew from jump that they were way above what I was looking for but I was too scared to chicken out.
October 2010 - Baptism number three, after cattle drive baptism as a child and stress relief baptism in basic training. This was pretty much peer pressure baptism.
January 2012 - The meeting with the men’s group that was the beginning of the end. The one I mentioned where the pastor prayed for God to remove his protection from me to get me to surrender to Him.
March 10, 2012 - Episode where I beat myself up over the bad things that were happening to me for not surrendering to God. The following Monday, I decided to cut back attendance. I ended up leaving. Left the church by the end of the next month.
Also, started journaling here.
December 2012 - Decided to move out of my aunt’s trailer. I’d lived with my shady ass uncle twice, who’d stolen from me and admitted it. I’d had another uncle pester me for rides whenever he felt like. And I was raised to respect my elders. Which is why I felt I had little choices in dealing with them. But, after a dispute over a truck, I decided that enough was enough and it was time to get out.
September 6, 2013 - FINALLY moved out of my mom’s, temporary residence after having to vacate the trailer, into the current residence.
October 5, 2013 - Episode at a friend’s wedding where I moped, cried and cursed myself for being a horrible friend for not making the ceremony. Didn’t snap out of it for about a day.
April 2014 - Decided to move out of Lynchburg. Planning still ongoing.

My lifestyle timeline reads thusly.
Maybe somewhere around 2008ish - After hearing about the lifestyle from my former girlfriend and seeing ads online, I signed up for an account on alt.com. I met a few people but couldn’t do much without paying, of course. I did have a silver a account for a little bit.
Some time after, a friend I met on there told me to set up an account on Fet.
March 2011 - Attended first munch with the Lynchburg Social Sodality. Didn’t talk to anyone. Almost didn’t come back. Messaged the leader at the time, who apologized for not greeting me and asked me back. Made conversation the second munch and started to actually meet people.
June 201 - Met Daughter of the 3, who would eventually take over the group and with whom I’d have a relationship.
January 2012 - Ended the relationship with Daughter of the 3.
April 2013 - My first time visiting La Fortress, which has become my second home.
August 31, 2013 - Amidst the chaos of moving out of my aunt’s house and the stress that came with it, I visited LF and had an energy session that began to change my life.
October, 2013 - A striptease class at LF and a random gesture that had me begin to re-examine everything I knew about relationships and sex.
Soon after, a week maybe. I took my current name, atypical avery adourae. And my journey continues. And bedtime has passed so the other one tomorrow…

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18 Sep 14


I’ve been idle as far as writing goes. Mind hasn’t stopped, of course.
Got home from the dollar (fiddy) movie to hear that my friends were headed an hour north to say goodbye to a mutual friend whose wedding I’d sang at.
Saturday they pulled him off life support. He left this morning.
I was asked to be a pall bearer by his wife. She said he would want his friends to carry him.
Which I couldn’t disagree with at all. But, it had me guilty that I hadn’t been as good or a close a friends as I would’ve liked to. It hit when I first heard and I tried to tell myself that guilt tripping would do no good, really.
I can say that when I’m thinking half straight.
I was driving home and in a woman was talking about a book she’d written about the Great Gatsby. I forgot the actual quote but it was something about despite our efforts to remake ourselves, our past is still there and it’s still a part of us. Several times when I get some revelation and think that it’s changed my life for good, something happens and I’m feeling helpless again.
It’s a journey.
11. Teach me.
Everyone has something they do wonderfully.
Cooking. Organizing. Writing.
Identify and describe a talent that you have.
For an amazing example of this talent, visit birdling’s writings for the journal. Very well organized.
So, teach us something. This is one of the rare times I’d like you to post publicly on here.
If you can’t think of something or that it’s too, small.
Trust me, you’ve got this.
Lacing a corset. What tips do you offer.
Transporting foods for an event.
Temperature safe recipes.
Organizing email and document storage.
I’m the quiet one. I’m not good at teaching. I’m not good at speaking. I know how to do a few things, (putting together a computer, making pasta from scratch, driving a stick) but I’m not so great at explaining how to do them. Especially translating what I know into language the person I’m trying to teach will understand. Like trying to explain how to do something on the computer to my parents. And just getting called again when they need it done, not to teach it again, just to do it.
Keeping it simple, submissives.
I think with wall of the input and output of electronic information we can get overwhelmed.
We judge our submission based on how others do this thing we do.
Keep it simple. Recognize what it feels like to be a submissive personally.
Why do you consider yourself submissive. Those warm fuzzy feelings.
What is it like to be in your submissive headspace.
I do judge who I am in the lifestyle and what I should (that word again) be doing by what others have said/posted. What I’m supposed to be into. Who I’m supposed to talk to.
Whether I’m supposed to be here at all.,
What makes ME submissive?
I feel comfortable as a submissive. I don’t like pain but I like sensations. I like being bound. I like being suspended. I like being touched. I like pleasing people. Perhaps I can figure out how to please people from the other side of the slash, and I am interested in learning to tie people and do impact and knife play but not enough to move the needle to switch or dom.
What’s it like in my submissive headspace? I don’t know that I’ve ever reached subspace. Perhaps I have without realizing it. My submissive headspace is very warm and fuzzy. I don’t know how else to describe it.
I wanted to write on this one even though it’s not a part of the submissive prompts proper. I’m looking forward to writing the next, too, but that’s gonna be another show

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17 Sep 14



this is what i just picked up from the grocery store. it cost $32. Thirty. two. dollars. for 1 pineapple, 2 bags of grapes, a small container of raspberries, 1 soft drink and 2/$1 nuts…. 
do you know how much junk food i could have for $32? do you have any clue how much McDonald’s you can get for $32?
stop shaming fat people poorer than you or people poorer than you in general for not eating healthier. stop lying about how cheap it is or how it’s comparable to fast food. just stop.






this is what i just picked up from the grocery store. it cost $32. Thirty. two. dollars. for 1 pineapple, 2 bags of grapes, a small container of raspberries, 1 soft drink and 2/$1 nuts…. 

do you know how much junk food i could have for $32? do you have any clue how much McDonald’s you can get for $32?

stop shaming fat people poorer than you or people poorer than you in general for not eating healthier. stop lying about how cheap it is or how it’s comparable to fast food. just stop.



(via krisjustus)

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