Of course for best results please read from the last entry forward to the most current one.
18 Sep 14

Hundredten.promperroom.s’alligot.thursdayseptembereighteentwothousandfourteen.

I’m in a good mood.
Better than I thought I’d be.
I laid my friend to rest. Helped carry him to his grave. I sat through the service, wanting it over. Not because I didn’t love him and miss him. But, because I didn’t want to be around all that sadness and grief. But, the pastors and his friends and family did their part to remember the good times and how good a person he was. How rarely he was in a bad mood. How much he helped others.
Which brought me back to myself.
I always see myself as defeated. Downtrodden. Needy. I’d like to help but I don’t see what I have to give.
Well, Brian wasn’t rich, but he gave what he had that would help.
And I’m starting to see how my perception of myself is cloudy. I have more to offer than I’ve been led to believe. Especially when I listen to the ones who look for that instead of for my shortcomings. And when I don’t look for those shortcomings, just go in and do what I can…
Not that I want to just up and be happy all the time just ‘cause. I saw something somewhere were the write said that they didn’t want to smile all the time but wanted to feel the full spectrum of emotions. And I like that idea and want the same. I just don’t want to be so trapped in sorrow and guilt and bring everyone down.
Don’t think medication is the answer, either. At least not conventional prescriptions.
But, I’m in a much better mood than I thought I’d be in tonight. I got to remember good times with my friend. Hearing about how he’d put mustard on his dog at three because he wanted a hot dog. Hearing about how he’d been wrestling with a friend and the whole house shook (and everyone who knew him knew who the friend was and looked that way.) Sharing the pun he told me about never shopping at a dollar store because it was a sin to commit A Dollar Tree!
Gonna miss you, man! I love you!
Don’t know how to smoothly transition but I wanted to share that.
17. Timeout.
Have you ever taken or considered taking a timeout from the lifestyle.
Step away from the BDSM world and explore relationships with “vanilla” partners and friendships.
Why would you want to take a break.
What would it look like?
Break?
I feel like I’m still trying to make my way INTO the lifestyle. Find regular play partners and kinky people to hang with. Feeling trapped outside of the kinky people I want to be with.
When I’ve thought of leaving it, I’ve thought to do so for good, and not because I want to but out of guilt. Or feeling that it was out of reach when I couldn’t find someone a relationship.
I’m thankful for those I’ve gotten to meet that have made me feel welcome despite that.
18. “It is very easy to forgive others for their mistakes; it takes more grit to forgive them for having witnessed your own.” ~Jessamyn West.
Nobody is perfect.
Not us. Not the dominants of the world.
We are human.
How do you handle it when you make a mistake.
What do you do if it impacts others.
How would you handle it if a dominant made a mistake.
Would you ignore it?
I pretty much have the same reaction as I do to conflict:
Deer in headlights/flee. Or rather, bow my head in shame, then flee. And it’s worse if it impacts others. Then, fleeing can become avoidance.
The mental restraining order. I’ve made it too much of a habit to beat myself up for my mistakes.
How would I react if I a dominant made a mistake? Probably play it off. Perhaps act as it were my mistake if it applied, probably if it didn’t.
18.1 “The rule is: we cannot really forgive ourselves unless we look at the failure in our past and call it by its right name.”
~Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive and Forget:Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve
What things in your past have you truly forgiven yourself for doing.
Are there still things lingering that you need to look at and forgive yourself for.
Have you forgiven others for a part they played in hurting you.
An intriguing thought.
I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself for much. As mentioned before, lots that I still beat myself up for. And I blame other for that, which sounds like I need to forgive them.
The question is how.
Forgiveness, at least right at this moment, seems like an abstract concept that I should know but don’t. But, I feel like if I figure it out and apply it, it will heal a lot of deep wounds. It has to happen…

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18 Sep 14

Hundrednine.promptpro.wednesdayseventeenthseptembertwothousandfourteen.

12 continued. A timeline forecasting my future.
I think I shall pass.
I don’t know what I want in my future. Granted, I feel I have little control over my future. Present, even. I’m still figuring out what I want and trying to give myself permission to want it, let alone faith that I could actually GET it. Which goes along with the permission to want it. And part of me doesn’t like to have things spoiled and is still optimistic and awaits good things like a kid at Christmas.
11.1. Which I had skipped/overlooked.
Triggers.
Emotional, situational or physical.
How do you deal with them.
Do you recognize and have a plan for them.
Have you been blindsided by a new trigger that pops up.
How do I deal? I kinda shut down, I think, pretty much the same as with most confrontation. I try to ignore it to differing degrees of success. Not always possible, though, at least not that I see in the moment.
Do I recognize them? Some. Church has become a big one. Politics, especially politics as religion, is another. Insults, degredation. The feeling of helplessness. The plan for them? Again, avoid if possible, deer in headlights is not.
Don’t know how many new triggers I’ve been blindsided by.
13. Inspiration.
What profile or writings have you come across on FetLife that have given you a “lightbulb” moment.
Go out there on the big wide world of web and read something.
Google D/s dynamics or submission.
What kind of information is there out there for the new submissive starting their journey.
I don’t feel like Googling D/s dynamics or submission. So, nyah!
I will point out a few recent posts that I’ve loved. 93under’s post about how munches aren’t for everyone made me look at it in a wah I hadn’t before._ORANGE’s post On O/p was lovely. As well as Snoflak’s New here and I want a D/s relationship NOW! And NookieNote’s Have you Ever Wanted A Nookie? has added a new item to my bucket list. And TheFerret is always inspirational and enlightening.
I don’t know what I’d recommend to new submissives. All of the above listed could be considered recommended reading.
I want to amass a Read This, Not That for Fifty Shades for everyone that’s gonna bring in.
14. Rent-a-Dom.
If you could place an order today and rent a dominant for a specific purpose - not necessarily a long term thing.
Rent them for a week, a weekend, or a night…
What description of services/qualities would you specify.
Do you ever need a dedicated dominant to assist you with some task.
Again, pass.
I don’t rent, I’d rather own. Or, in the case of a dominant, be owned. I don’t think I’d wanna order a random stranger. I want a deeper connection, I think.
14.1. I like to give you all options.
Scene name.
Do you prefer to be called by your scene name or part of it at a kink event.
What does your scene name mean to you.
Did you pick it.
Have you changed you scene name since you started.
Why did it change.
Do you introduce yourself with your real first name.
If not, what fears do we have about people knowing our real name?
I prefer my scene name over my real name. My real name is boring. It’s too damned common. I have a super common first name and a super common last name that’s also a super common first name.
Did I mention what while I was doing a background check for my apartment, they pulled up charges for possession of cocaine and heroin? About three hours north from where I live? That actually belonged to a guy with not only my first and last name (different middle) but my same birthday (few years older?) And there was someone else with my first and last name that’d done something.
I Googled my first and last name and got so many hits but not my own until I added my middle name.
What does my scene name mean to me?
atypical. I’m the weird one. It celebrates that.
adourae. It reminds me that I am adorable, attractive and desired despite what I’ve been told.
avery. For the balance/struggle with sexuality and faith and against religion.
Did I pick it? Yes, although I got help.
Have I changed it? Yes. I started out with just an altered version of my childhood nickname. Someone abbreviated it but mispronounced it so I shortened it and spelled it phonetically. Someone abbreviated it in LF chat and it was my childhood nickname. Right after I’d moved out of my aunt’s house and I didn’t want to be reminded of bio family and being treated like a kid so it was time to switch again. I’d had avery in my head for a bit and the chat helped with the rest.
Do I introduce myself with my real name? I’ve been doing both, one after the other.
What fear do I have of people knowing my real name? Not much unless I think it’ll get back to family or other people I don’t want to know.
15. Keeping it light for a Monday.
What misinformation have you come across regarding the D/s dymamic.
About being a submissive?
That the man is ALWAYS the dom and gets ALL TEH SECKS!
That the woman is sub and shuts teh fuck up and does what the dom wants.
That it’s SUPPOSED to hurt and you will love it or you’re not a twoo submissive!
This can get heavy with sarcasm really quick.
16. “Distance means nothing when someone means everything.” - Unknown.
Option 1:
Have you been in a long distance M\s or D\s relationship.
What systems were set up to make it work.
How often did you get to see each other in person.
There are obvious hardships to long distance, what are some of the unexpected ones that came up.
Was the long distance relationship always one or did a partner move away.
Option 2:
Would you consider a long distance relationship?
What appeals to you about this type of dynamic.
Would you intentionally set out to start one of this type.
What would you need to have in place to make it work.
If you became involved in a dynamic and your partner had to move, would you try to sustain the dynamic or part ways.
I’ve never really been in a long distance relationship. I’ve talked to people online that I connected with but it never got as far as that.
Would I consider it? Would I intentionally set out to start this type of dynamic? I wouldn’t want to. Internet relationships have left me wanting someone I can hold! Someone I can go visit without reserving airfare.
What would appeal to me about this type of dynamic? Giving up on finding anyone I could connect with here but not being able to move yet.
What would I need to have in place to make it work? Reassurance that I’m not forgotten. Lots of communication. Written. Spoken. Video chat. Visits with every opportunity.
If I became involved in a dynamic and my partner (or I) had to move, would I try to sustain the dynamic? As long as we could.
And I’m once again caught up.
Wonder if we were supposed to do them all? Fuck it, I liked the inspiration and I await the next…

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18 Sep 14

Hundredeight.promptedtorecall.mondayfifteenthseptembertwothousandfourteen.

I figure this is gonna be a long one so I’ll try not to waste too many words.
12. Your timeline.
Create a timeline that reflects all the major life events as far back as you can remember.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
These events are a part of who you have become and influences your current path.
Create a lifestyle timeline that reflects all the events and people that have molded your current path of “submission.” These are all interactions that mold us.
Create a timeline forecasting your future.
What events do you want to see on that timeline.
Personal. Professional. Educational. Lifestyle.
I’ve been looking forward to doing this one. I figure it’s a gonna be long, though, so it may end up being its own entry. Also, some entries won’t have exact dates. But, they’ll still be important enough to include.
I’ll try not to leave too much out.
*5 May 1975 Born in Virginia Baptist Hospital
*Somewhere in there, I started the diet of media that would shape who I am. It was not just the typical What’s Happenin’, Sanford and Son, Good Times, Fat Albert, but the Greatest American Hero, Superfriends, Andy Griffith and The Dukes of Hazzard got into the mix and started making it eclectic. This was to be followed eventually by Final Fantasy, Street Fighter, Silver Hawks (used to wear one sleeve up at one point because they were metal but had one fleshy arm) and eventually LIllith Fair, the first two Guy Richie flicks (the good ones,) XFM, BBC America, and many others.
Basically, not just black stuff.
*November, 1981 Was hit by a car on my way to my great grandmother Emma’s for treats while waiting on the bus. Broke my leg, was in the hospital for over a month and three different casts. Still have the scar from where they stuck the pins in to hold my legs up. One of the physical scars I have from child hood. The most prominent.

  • September 1983 - Got baptized at Scott Zion Baptist Church. The first time I got baptized. At the time I saw it as a rite of passage of sorts. When I look back, I refer to it as a cattle drive. I don’t really think got anything out of it but wet and a free bible. I do remember going to quite a bit of church as a child. And not just at my own church. We would visit several as my mom would get invited by friends to other churches in the area where her coworkers attended, or where a choir was asked to sing, or something of the like. And somewhere in this period I first got the idea that not all churches were equal and some were just showing up and going through the motions.

September 1989-June 1993 - High School. Wasn’t a popular kid. Got picked on from middle school on. Made some acquaintances. No game with girls. Talked to a few here and there. Never anything further. Went to junior prom with my cousin, senior solo. Got a lecture from my cousin about how annoying I was to her friends. Made a fool of myself with one girl I liked who didn’t like me back.
*August 16, 1993 - Entered the United States Air Force at the urging of my mom. I never really studied in school. Ended up with a 3.2 GPA still, but she wasn’t gonna pay for me to flunk out of college, she was going to send me to the army to let Uncle Sam pay for my college.
I still have to thank my brother for changing that to the Air Force. That was bad enough. I’m not one for rules. My vision knocked me out of a bunch of jobs, so I had maybe three options. And then I opted out of the GI bill and the security clearance I needed for the job I’d singed up for because I wanted out. Ended up staying a few years but got in trouble and couldn’t re enlist.
Still managed an honorable discharge, though. For that, I’m thankful.
Haven’t come up with what to do with myself since, though. Just a floating from job to job. So much for the military giving me direction. Bit of discipline, maybe, but didn’t straighten me out.
Other landmarks from this time period include baptism number two and my first two tattoos, the first four months after I enlisted in Biloxi, MS and the second a year later in Montgomery, AL.
January 2000 - Lost my virginity to someone I’d met at work. The relationship lasted three months. I was a rebound. She got tired of me. And I was not without blame.
August 2000 - Moved into my own place. Had lived with the girl while I was with her, and it was a rough transition moving back in with my mom. I figured it was time I had my own place.
August 2001 - Moved a girl in who became my second girlfriend.
I got tired of her.
She stayed home most of the time. Didn’t want to keep a job. I lost the one I had when I met her and had trouble keeping bills paid on my own as a dishwasher. She left me in early 2002 with a huge phone bill and a car that died not long after.
She was also pretty much my first exposure to the lifestyle.
August 2004 - Moved out of my apartment. Into the house my aunt owned that she rented out. My mom moved out next door to my Granny’s old house, I moved in the trailer with my brother, who moved to Texas not long after.
January 2010 - First time I attended the church that I still bear the scars from. Started with the men’s group maybe a month or two later. Pretty much knew from jump that they were way above what I was looking for but I was too scared to chicken out.
October 2010 - Baptism number three, after cattle drive baptism as a child and stress relief baptism in basic training. This was pretty much peer pressure baptism.
January 2012 - The meeting with the men’s group that was the beginning of the end. The one I mentioned where the pastor prayed for God to remove his protection from me to get me to surrender to Him.
March 10, 2012 - Episode where I beat myself up over the bad things that were happening to me for not surrendering to God. The following Monday, I decided to cut back attendance. I ended up leaving. Left the church by the end of the next month.
Also, started journaling here.
December 2012 - Decided to move out of my aunt’s trailer. I’d lived with my shady ass uncle twice, who’d stolen from me and admitted it. I’d had another uncle pester me for rides whenever he felt like. And I was raised to respect my elders. Which is why I felt I had little choices in dealing with them. But, after a dispute over a truck, I decided that enough was enough and it was time to get out.
September 6, 2013 - FINALLY moved out of my mom’s, temporary residence after having to vacate the trailer, into the current residence.
October 5, 2013 - Episode at a friend’s wedding where I moped, cried and cursed myself for being a horrible friend for not making the ceremony. Didn’t snap out of it for about a day.
April 2014 - Decided to move out of Lynchburg. Planning still ongoing.

My lifestyle timeline reads thusly.
Maybe somewhere around 2008ish - After hearing about the lifestyle from my former girlfriend and seeing ads online, I signed up for an account on alt.com. I met a few people but couldn’t do much without paying, of course. I did have a silver a account for a little bit.
Some time after, a friend I met on there told me to set up an account on Fet.
March 2011 - Attended first munch with the Lynchburg Social Sodality. Didn’t talk to anyone. Almost didn’t come back. Messaged the leader at the time, who apologized for not greeting me and asked me back. Made conversation the second munch and started to actually meet people.
June 201 - Met Daughter of the 3, who would eventually take over the group and with whom I’d have a relationship.
January 2012 - Ended the relationship with Daughter of the 3.
April 2013 - My first time visiting La Fortress, which has become my second home.
August 31, 2013 - Amidst the chaos of moving out of my aunt’s house and the stress that came with it, I visited LF and had an energy session that began to change my life.
October, 2013 - A striptease class at LF and a random gesture that had me begin to re-examine everything I knew about relationships and sex.
Soon after, a week maybe. I took my current name, atypical avery adourae. And my journey continues. And bedtime has passed so the other one tomorrow…

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18 Sep 14

Hundredseven.somewhatforcedpromptness.sundayfourteenseptembertwothousandfourteen.

I’ve been idle as far as writing goes. Mind hasn’t stopped, of course.
Got home from the dollar (fiddy) movie to hear that my friends were headed an hour north to say goodbye to a mutual friend whose wedding I’d sang at.
Saturday they pulled him off life support. He left this morning.
I was asked to be a pall bearer by his wife. She said he would want his friends to carry him.
Which I couldn’t disagree with at all. But, it had me guilty that I hadn’t been as good or a close a friends as I would’ve liked to. It hit when I first heard and I tried to tell myself that guilt tripping would do no good, really.
I can say that when I’m thinking half straight.
I was driving home and in a woman was talking about a book she’d written about the Great Gatsby. I forgot the actual quote but it was something about despite our efforts to remake ourselves, our past is still there and it’s still a part of us. Several times when I get some revelation and think that it’s changed my life for good, something happens and I’m feeling helpless again.
It’s a journey.
11. Teach me.
Everyone has something they do wonderfully.
Cooking. Organizing. Writing.
Identify and describe a talent that you have.
For an amazing example of this talent, visit birdling’s writings for the journal. Very well organized.
So, teach us something. This is one of the rare times I’d like you to post publicly on here.
If you can’t think of something or that it’s too, small.
Trust me, you’ve got this.
Lacing a corset. What tips do you offer.
Transporting foods for an event.
Temperature safe recipes.
Organizing email and document storage.
I’m the quiet one. I’m not good at teaching. I’m not good at speaking. I know how to do a few things, (putting together a computer, making pasta from scratch, driving a stick) but I’m not so great at explaining how to do them. Especially translating what I know into language the person I’m trying to teach will understand. Like trying to explain how to do something on the computer to my parents. And just getting called again when they need it done, not to teach it again, just to do it.
KISS
Keeping it simple, submissives.
I think with wall of the input and output of electronic information we can get overwhelmed.
We judge our submission based on how others do this thing we do.
Keep it simple. Recognize what it feels like to be a submissive personally.
Why do you consider yourself submissive. Those warm fuzzy feelings.
What is it like to be in your submissive headspace.
I do judge who I am in the lifestyle and what I should (that word again) be doing by what others have said/posted. What I’m supposed to be into. Who I’m supposed to talk to.
Whether I’m supposed to be here at all.,
What makes ME submissive?
I feel comfortable as a submissive. I don’t like pain but I like sensations. I like being bound. I like being suspended. I like being touched. I like pleasing people. Perhaps I can figure out how to please people from the other side of the slash, and I am interested in learning to tie people and do impact and knife play but not enough to move the needle to switch or dom.
What’s it like in my submissive headspace? I don’t know that I’ve ever reached subspace. Perhaps I have without realizing it. My submissive headspace is very warm and fuzzy. I don’t know how else to describe it.
I wanted to write on this one even though it’s not a part of the submissive prompts proper. I’m looking forward to writing the next, too, but that’s gonna be another show

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17 Sep 14
whereforeartthouwolves:

pussy-pat:

christel-thoughts:

this is what i just picked up from the grocery store. it cost $32. Thirty. two. dollars. for 1 pineapple, 2 bags of grapes, a small container of raspberries, 1 soft drink and 2/$1 nuts…. 
do you know how much junk food i could have for $32? do you have any clue how much McDonald’s you can get for $32?
stop shaming fat people poorer than you or people poorer than you in general for not eating healthier. stop lying about how cheap it is or how it’s comparable to fast food. just stop.

!!!!!!!

^This

whereforeartthouwolves:

pussy-pat:

christel-thoughts:

this is what i just picked up from the grocery store. it cost $32. Thirty. two. dollars. for 1 pineapple, 2 bags of grapes, a small container of raspberries, 1 soft drink and 2/$1 nuts…. 

do you know how much junk food i could have for $32? do you have any clue how much McDonald’s you can get for $32?

stop shaming fat people poorer than you or people poorer than you in general for not eating healthier. stop lying about how cheap it is or how it’s comparable to fast food. just stop.

!!!!!!!

^This

(via krisjustus)


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10 Sep 14

Hundredsix.Promptedtorestlessness.tenthseptembertwothousandfourteen.

Still feel that. Still haven’t quite figured what it is.
I have another crazy idea, though. Maybe crazy. I consider most of my ideas crazy, or at least ill informed. Many have been ridiculed. Perhaps they deserved to be. But, I do have low self esteem for a reason.
The crazy idea is a side hustle.
I remember someone admonishing me for suggesting the same for her. She’s a tax professional and mainly thought of evasion, though.
I make enough to pay bills, but I don’t have a lot left after bills, gas and food. I could, of course, be doing it wrong. Likely, I’m doing it wrong. Still, I have too many spare hours, so I figure I could use them more wisely. Constructively.
Now, here’s the thing. I don’t just want a job at Mc (fuck ‘em, I ain’ even gon’ say they name!) or whatever. I’d like to see if I could maybe help a mechanic out for a bit and learn to work on my car (FINALLY!) Or something of that sort.
Would be nice.
So would a sugar mama, I ‘spect.
For a while, at least.
10. This is an easy one.
Are you seeking or involved in a monogamous relationship or are you interested in a polyamorous relationship.
What are your comfort limits on others being involved in your dynamic.
If you are strictly monogamous when it comes to love, are you a little more open in areas of physical gratification - BDSM play or sex with others.
I wonder if she meant easy as sarcasm.
I’ve been throwing this idea about in my head. Am I monogamous or polyamorous? Of course, I’ve been raised in monogamy. Still see that as the default. But, I several of the things I want to do involve more than one person, and I want the freedom to do that. And not just to do them and move on to the next. I feel like I fall easily enough and want to make those connections. And that was before I even knew about poly. Granted, I still look at these connections in terms of a lifelong monogamous relationship most of the time. And yet, I tell myself that’s what they want and I’m not what they want, which is why I talk myself out of approaching people.
As far as my comfort level with physical gratification, I pretty much take what I can get and hope I don’t cross any lines.
10.1. What do you need to feel safe in a relationship?
I saved the “What are your comfort limits as far as being involved in your dynamic” question because the answer is similar. I want to feel that I’m wanted. I want to feel that I matter.
10.2. Do you want to be owned.
What does that mean to you.
Owner/property
It sounds good just up front. Owned. I guess it depends on what the specific dynamic entails. I wouldn’t want a dynamic where I have no say whatsoever. Where my feelings, my pleasure where discounted.
Does that version of owned exist? Outside of pretty stories?
I’d like to know that several pretty things exist outside of stories…

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10 Sep 14

Hundredfive.BOOTUPROMtoPersonalTerminal.ninthseptembertwothousandfourteen.

As of late, I’ve felt restless. Like there’s something that I need to do that I can’t quite pin down. Can’t quite put it into words right now, but I want to do something to better myself. I feel like it’s right there but I can’t think of what to do with it. May go with the long held idea that my life would be infinitely better had I followed some magical piece of advice/order that my mom gave me. I don’t know where I got it from but it persisted way longer than it should. Don’t know that I believe it, but I feel like there’s definitely something I can do to make my life better.
It just escapes me.
I’ve also been thinking about what I want versus what I need. Well, more what I need. Hell, I’m not doing a good job of tying this into the next thought I want to bring up, so fuck it. I feel like everything I’ve done that I’ve enjoy has been an act of rebellion. Well, mainly kink and sex. As if I’ve had to steal away to do them. Which is why I’ve felt like it’s been divine punishment when something happens that places an obstacle in between me and these things. And that’s how I’ve seen this new car. No matter how I’ve tried to get excited and happy to still be able to drive, it just says to me, “Punishment. Back to reality. Get used to it.”
Thoughts aren’t coming easy tonight. And I’m editing myself.
9. What does abuse look like?
We need to be able to identify abuse in order to protect yourself, or others you care about.
I don’t know what abuse looks like. Some examples are obvious. Some not so much. I know it’s not just physical. It’s verbal. It’s emotional. Lots of we do and have done to each other can be described as abuse, and that’s how the outside world see it. I don’t know what the deciding factor is. Something I have to learn. As the question says, we NEED to be able to identify abuse in order to protect ourselves and the ones we care about.
9.1. Attraction.
What attracts you to a possible partner.
What characteristics are you looking for.
How do you think they perceive you, your personality or character.
I’m glad this one came up. It’s something I’ve had on my mind a lot.
What attracts me? Hell, I pretty much want every woman in the room. Well, not every woman, but… Then again, I’ve developed a bad habit of trying to convince myself that I’m not attractive because it seems like no woman is attracted to me. Also, that the things that women find attractive are characteristics that I lack. But, then some women do find me attractive, and I have to admit that this in and of itself seems to attract me. Not always, there are exceptions, but it does get my attention. But, I feel like it can make me try too hard for a connection that’s not there, or may not be there the way I want it to. See above where I said that this whole thing is in rebellion of what I’m supposed to be doing. Wanting a relationship being part of that, as I should’t be looking for a relationship until I’m ready, which entails pretty much becoming a different person than who I want to be in the lifestyle.
What attracts me? Titties and ass, I admit. Curves. More than that, though. A… A vibe, a… I don’t know what. A smile. An attitude.
Could be just showing attraction to me when I desperately seek affection. As much as I hate to admit and kinda hate to be that guy.
May be something I’ll just have to make peace with.
As for how I think they perceive me, my personality and character, I’ve already mentioned that it blows my mind that someone finds it in them to acknowledge me at all, as sad as that is. It’s not that I necessarily find myself unattractive. Which I do at times. But still, at best, I find myself attractive, BUT. BUT, he broke. BUT, he still play video games. BUT, he don’t got a good job or a good car. BUT, look at his hair, his clothes, his shoes!
I could go on, but I’ll go to bed instead…

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09 Sep 14

Hundredfour.stillupromp(t)ing.eighthseptembertwothousandfourteen

Seems I misnumbered the journal entries. The one I did for 5 was actually 5.1.
5: When is the last time you laughed uncontrollably.
When is the last time you cried.
I don’t remember the last time I laughed uncontrollably. Define uncontrollably.
It was likely surrounded by kinky family, either in real time or in the chat.
I remember the last time I cried. It was a crying fit at the end of a relationship that was my fault.
That’s all you get in the free preview, I have to charge admission for the rest.
6: What is a collar, and what does it mean to you.
col-lar A band, strip or chain worn around the neck as:
a. a band that serves to finish or decorate the neckline of a garment.
b. a short necklace.
c. a band around the neck of an animal.
d. a part of the harness of draft animals fitted over the shoulders and taking strain when a load is drawn.
e. an indication of control: a token of subservice.
f. a protective or supportive device (as a brace or cast) worn around the neck.
g. clerical collar.
Middle English coler, from the Anglo-French, from Latin colare, from column neck.
I think in this instance, definition e. an indication of control: a token of subservice. It means that the person wearing the collar is owned, or at least in the service of someone. That they have a relationship with that someone and that relationship and that collar should be respected, even if it’s only for the duration of a single play session.
7. What is something, a strength, that you have discovered about yourself since you began pursuing path of submission.
Um… I got nothing.
7.1. What do you know about protocols and rituals.
Sometimes these areas are seen as harsh rules and unreasonable expectations.
What role can protocols play in your dynamic and enhance your submission.
If you are in a dynamic, do you have established protocols and rituals.
Have they been revised since they were first introduced.
My relationship with the word “protocol” reminds me of once in the Air Force when I went to the base administration building for something. A comely young lass was working the desk. And I think I may have tried something smooth (and I wasn’t NEAR as smooth as I am now) and she answered me saying “Sir.” “Sir” was to be translated as, “This is just business, we will take care of our business and go our separate ways as soon as possible.” So, “Protocol” has come to mean, “You behave and keep your hands to yourself and do only as you’re told.” And I’m all, ain’ nobody got time fo’ that! I’m all cuddly, snuggly and touchy feely! Granted, I likely don’t know much about protocols, and if I learned, i could grow past that. I don’t mind rituals in and of themselves. I don’t know which ones could enhance my submission, but I have a lot to learn about my submission anyway.
8. “A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.” Oprah Winfrey
Since beginning your journey as as submissive of a slave, have you looked for a mentor to help guide you.
What are some of the qualities and qualifications a mentor should have.
Would you choose a peer. A fellow submissive or slave.
Or would you approach a dominant.
Why would having a dominant be a good or bad thing as a mentor.
Have I looked for a mentor? No, I haven’t, but dammit, why not? I know I could use one. I guess it goes to the shyess. That and I just haven’t thought about it. I don’t know that I’d have a preference as to a submissive or dominant as a mentor (probably not a slave, as I don’t think I identify as a slave.)
I take that back, I could see a potential for abuse from a dominant, especially if, as I’ve seen somewhere, “they’re not a dom/me, they’re an asshole.”
That’s what I got tonight. And that’s caught up until tomorrow.
Today I tried to say that I was gonna come up with a plan and not be a victim to my circumstances.
Sounded good to say it.
Though, I suck at planning. And on this one, I don’t know where to begin. I’m gonna go ahead and admit that.
At least I didn’t whine as much. Was in a bit of a better mood. I hope to carry that into tomorrow as I try to figure out:
How I’m going to move, including finding a new job and a new place.
How I’m going to get a car that’s not about to die. Even if it’s not off the showroom floor, at least somewhat mechanically sound. And I think I’m over a clutch petal after this car. I still like shifting gears but I think I’m over the clutch.
How I’m going to go back to school and what I’m going to take. I want a better job. Even if I don’t get a better job, I think I still want to learn more stuff.
How I’m going to prioritize things into a plan that’s actually doable…

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07 Sep 14
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07 Sep 14

Hundredthree.youwillhearthreeprompts.seventhseptembertwothousandfourteen.

I’ve been in the mood to write, but I haven’t.
I’ve wanted to write. The submissive journal prompts have been coming daily. I’ve seen them and have wanted to do them. I just haven’t been able to collect my thoughts and bring myself to sit down and write.
So, this will be a rapid fire shooting out the topics and seeing what comes up, on topic or not, just to get my fingers and brain exercising.
Despite myself.
3: What is your style of communication?
How do you express that you are content and happy with someone?
How do you handle communicating with others regarding conflict?
How do you express yourself when you need something from someone/dominant?
Do you like to address problems head on and immediately, or do you sit and think a while before either addressing the issue or ignoring it?
My style of communication? I have one? I don’t know that it’s developed that well. I have trouble gathering my thoughts, and I edit myself a good bit (which is why I prefer written communication to oral sometimes.)
How do I express that I’m content and happy with someone? I think I just close my eyes and purr, honestly.
How do I handle communicating others regarding conflict? Retreat if I can, deer in headlights if I can’t.
How do I express myself when I want something from someone? With great difficulty. I feel guilty having to ask for it, guilty for wanting/needing it, and scared that I’ll get turned down, and when i do get turned down, I feel even worse for asking in the first place.
Do I like to address problems head on and immediately or do I sit and think a while before either addressing the issue or ignoring them?
Yes.
I like to address problems head on and immediately but I feel helpless and get overwhelmed and often end up doing little than thinking them over. And not very productively.
3.1: When you are amongst other lifestyle people or at a social event. What are some outward signs of your submission.
For instance:
How you stand.
How you approach a conversation.
What you wear.
How you introduce yourself.
Are there signals to let others know that you are a little letter type aka submissive?
I doubt it. I’m really bad at introductions. I’m just trying not to give others the impression that I’m a creeper/troll/what have you.
4. Self discipline.
No, we’re not talking about spanking yourself.
We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit. Aristotle.
What are areas that you have good self-discipline in your life.
What are areas that you need to get better self-discipline.
What can you do today to help make the good things in your life into a continuing habit?
I think I do good at eating well, but not as good as I’d like. I’ve cut out fast food (for the most part) and sodas and energy drinks but I need better info on what actually TO eat. And I definitely need exercise. I don’t want to join a gym but I would take certain classes, get an exercise buddy. I just don’t like the idea of paying a gym fee when people used to actually DO WORK for a living. Or, maybe I’m just cheap. Or broke and cheap because of it.
One of the big areas I need more discipline in is finance. I suck at saving. Or more like, I can put a bit back, pay the bills, then I want to spend the rest, which is why I take care of bills first. But, if something comes up, I’m pretty much up the creek.
What could I do today to help make the good things in my life into continuing habits? I wish I knew. I remember reading an article that talked about making good habits, and when they’re habits we do them without thinking about it, and when we have to think about it it takes willpower, and continually using willpower tires it out but if it’s a habit then it’s second nature so no willpower exerted. Just wish I knew what habits to make and how.
This is getting long so I’ll finish catching up later. But the next one is easy.
5. In a dynamic:
Are you required to ask to do certain basic things such as go to the bathroom, eat, drink or personal grooming requirements.
What effect does this have on your submission and sense of being.
Not in a dynamic:
Would you be interested in having to ask permission for the basics. Eat, drink, sleep, or using the bathroom. Would it enhance your sense of belonging to the dominant.
Well, I don’t know about my sense of belong to the dominant. If I’m with someone and need to go to the bathroom or get up to grab a bite I ask to be polite. But as far as having to, right now I’m gonna say…
HELL NAW!
And if that makes me a bad submissive, fuck it…

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