It’s been an emotional week. Not everything do I want to share. Which has been a challenge. What to talk about next.
First off, thanks to all of the input on my last whine. Especially from those who I’ve never even met. Even a few of those who I do know surprised me by adding what they had to say. I did feel loved, and I thank you for it.
As far as this week goes, all I’ll say is that a new start was made and I’m still trying to figure out where to go. Still trying to figure out where it’s best for ME to go and not just where I’m supposed to based on community opinion. Getting past that is going to be something big, if I haven’t already made that clear enough. I’m pretty good at bringing up random sayings, even if I can’t always follow their advice. The one that comes to mind right now is, “The greatest prison that people live in is the fear of what other people think.” (Had seen it on Facebook. A Google search bring up an image attributing the quote to David Icke, whoever he is.) Hard to escape when that opinion is seen by the majority as pretty much irrefutable divine law.
Another that has been attributed to Robin Williams (turns out, it’s a movie quote) is, “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”
Pretty much sums up being trapped in Lynchburg.
The thing that inspired me to keyboard today was this. An NPR Tiny Desk Concert with The Foreign Exchange. Love the Foreign Exchange. Still want their latest, “Love In Flying Colors” on vinyl, even thought I don’t currently own a record player. The LP comes with a free download of the digital and I want the record as well as the download. Anyway, I’ve heard the last song they did, “Call It Home,” several times, as there was a period when I’d watch the video over and over because I love the imagery. Phonte, the lead singer, says during his dialogue that the song is about home. I thought it was about relationships, with the line, “There’s war and I’m still on your side. We’re not on different teams.” But he said in his talk (and I don’t know that the lyrics of the song reflect it,) that, “Home is wherever your heart is, and those people you love, those things that you love, that’s where home is, so you take home wherever you are. And if home is not in your heart, then you will always be a lonely motherfucker.” And for me, I’ve been letting the good in my heart get overshadowed by the things that I’m “supposed” to be concentrating on, as if the things that are good to me and that fuel me are secondary to those things that I am “supposed to be concentrating on.
Which brought up the idea that this area hasn’t been my home for a good long while.
I’ve felt more at peace and loved when I was out of town at kinky gatherings than I have at “home” where I have to force myself to “behave.” I’ve felt some compulsion to behave at these places at times as well, and it definitely gets in the way. For example, Friday night, I was at the sleepover, and found myself cuddling with someone. And when I thought about this, I found myself thinking that this was actually necessary, this act. This touch. I need it and don’t get it nearly enough. And I could tell the difference when I did.
So, why was I denying myself of it Saturday?
I got some, but for the most part I denied myself. Felt that I was imposing to even ask, held back from others so I wouldn’t be a burden.
I still found it in places I least expected, as I continue to. But, I still want to change my means of thinking on this subject. Someday, I won’t always feel that I have to suppress myself for the sake of everyone else.
It’s gonna be a long way home. Even this next move I don’t intend to be permanent, or even lasting beyond a year or two. My main goal is to get away from the familiar, and overbearing, to get space to think and to step further away with the next one.
And it may not be the best thing that I always look for it in others more than in myself. But, just maybe, they help me realize what I’m actually supposed to be looking for there in the first place. That, I believe, is my way home…